Absence
by Fictatious
Summary: An Alfred introspective on his place in his "family" and the past and the future... Families weren't supposed to fight. They were supposed to be happy and supportive and loving.


**Series:** Hetalia  
**Title:** Absence  
**Author:** Fictatious  
**Character(s):** US, England, France, Canada, Ireland, North Ireland, Scotland, Wales  
**Rating:** PG  
**Warnings:** Vague reference to the fighting in Ireland.  
**Summary:** An Alfred introspective on his place in his "family" and the past and the future.

…

Once Kiku had made the comment that they were like a real family. He'd been wearing one of his small, reserved smiles at the time, looking both amused and wistful. He'd added that he was jealous of their closeness. Arthur had been quick to rebuke him, Francis had started laughing, and Erin had just thrown up her hands and stormed out of the room. Alfred had found the statement somewhat disturbing at the time and still thought on it fairly often. Families weren't supposed to fight. They were supposed to be happy and supportive and loving. They were definitely not supposed to get into vicious brawls and swearing matches.

Of course, the constant bickering was nothing if Erin and Kelly were part of the family, which they would very much have to be. Their knock-down drag-out fights got downright terrifying at times and it did seem for all the world that they fully intended to kill each other. Though Arthur tried now and then, it seemed quite impossible to keep the girls separated, and so for the most part everyone tried to ignore them until the shouting exceeded a certain decibel. Alfred had the easiest time of it, having put more distance between himself and the workings of the family than just the Atlantic Ocean.

Even with that distance, however, Alfred had never seemed to reach a complete level of independence from the Celtic corner of the world. He had never managed to cut ties and establish himself as a truly separate and individual entity the way Kiku or Vash had done. No matter how much distance he put there, intentionally or by carelessness, he still always seemed to be tied back into that family by the one he had struggled the hardest to get away from.

Francis was equal measures of annoying and interesting, Erin and Kelly had a terrifying and exciting fierceness under their soft, beautiful faces, Malcom and Bronwyn were fascinating in their overwhelming uniqueness but Arthur was just... Arthur.

Oh, and Matt fit in there somewhere too.

Alfred used to think, and always said, that he wanted to distinguish himself from Arthur, that he wanted to be different and exist free of England's power and legacy, but lately he'd become less sure of that. He'd started looking at himself differently in recent decades, loosing his former obsession with Now and the Future and starting to feel somewhat retrospective. Tori had said that he was growing up, but now Alfred was beginning to think that he didn't want to. His world became more complicated by the day and while he was becoming quite embarrassed as he came to recognize his old naivete, he also found himself missing it. But even as he struggled to remember, or perhaps reinvent, who he was, he also found himself looking at Arthur in a different light than he had before.

In his mind, Arthur had always been a figure of authority, at times to rebel against and at times to look to for example. That had never been a conscious decision, but rather something he'd simply taken for granted. He could only recognize that feeling now, however, as he began to feel its absence. Arthur was no longer the pinnacle of culture and refinement and stuffy formality. He was a cussing, temperamental pirate who had very little of his own and had taken all his past glory by might. He was normal, a pier not a parent. He was more than a pier though, because more than any of the other nations Alfred felt a connection to Arthur; not the denied adoration and hidden admiration of his younger years, but a demystified recognition. Arthur was his predecessor beyond the founding of the colonies; Arthur had been right here before Alfred was, had made all the same mistakes, had lived and acted with the same brash arrogance and suffered the consequences of it. Alfred had inherited not just Arthur's language but his legacy, and now, from personal experience more than friendship, from parallel evolution rather than sympathy, Arthur knew Alfred better than anyone else.

Most of the time Alfred was terrified of loosing his place as the economic and military leader in the world, but sometimes, on rare occasion, he had a passing thought that it might be nice to sit back and fade into the background as the Eastern powers surpassed him, having come full-circle from infant to empire to just another country, satisfied to be just one body in the larger community. And after he'd finished that glorious journey through adolescence, independence and self-obsession, maybe he could again feel like a real member of the family he came from way back then. If what Tori said was true, then Alfred supposed that he'd finally grown old enough to realize how very lonely it is at the top.

…

A/N:  
Erin = Ireland  
Kelly = North Ireland  
Malcom = Scotland  
Bronwyn = Wales  
I think Newfoundland would probably have a separate persona from Canada, and they would certainly be in the Celtic family, but I knew that if I opened that can of fish and bruise, I'd just have to go into whole different levels of minutia that would be better explored elsewhere... And yeah, I know Lithuania's official name is "Toris," but I just picture Alfred as calling him "Tori."

I haven't stopped working on Scorched Earth drabbles or anything, I just got frustrated because there were a couple things I wanted to work into them that I couldn't find bunnies for, I'll get back on that horse soon though.


End file.
